Where Was God When I Miscarried?
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“We’re going to look at your baby now,” the OB informed me. I was 11 weeks pregnant at an ultrasound appointment my midwife ordered due to some light bleeding that began five days prior. I was feeling hopeful until the ultrasound tech zoomed in several times. That alone made it clear. I knew what was coming.
They measured my baby and said, “Your baby is only measuring 5 weeks and 6 days.” Then they turned up the volume so we could listen to the heartbeat, but there was no need… There was none.
“God, where are you?” my heart ached in that silent room as I looked at the flat line on the screen beside the image of my baby.
God’s comfort and nearness felt so readily available with my first miscarriage, but after my second consecutive loss, He seemed to be missing in action.
Maybe you can relate. Whether you or someone you care about has experienced pregnancy loss, you may be wondering: Where is God in miscarriage?
It’s taken a good bit of grace and discipline to keep turning to the Lord and His Word in a time when He seemed absent, but as I’ve continued to draw near, slowly the Holy Spirit has revealed exactly where He was at each point of my pregnancy and miscarriage story. And I believe He wants to reveal the same to you.
Where Were You, Lord?
From the point of conception to when your baby’s heart beat its last to the grief that forever lingers for the child you lost, God was and is with you. And while that may be difficult to grasp in the throes of mourning and the trenches of despair, I want to invite you to open your heart to the possibility of God’s goodness and presence in the midst of such tragedy as we journey through the Word to unveil who God has always been and who He still is today.
While this post does not aim to answer the why questions, we will look to Scripture to help us understand where the Lord was at each part of your pregnancy loss story and what role He played as it unfolded.
If you are wrestling with some of the bigger theological questions that often arise with miscarriage, I encourage you to read my post If God, Why Miscarriage?
But for now, let’s start at the beginning.
At Conception
Before you even knew your child existed, God knew. He was fearfully and wonderfully knitting your baby together within your womb. He saw your baby’s unformed body as He did the careful and intentional soul-work no human body can. His thoughts concerning your child far exceed the ones you hold, the sheer volume of them outweighing the grains of sand. And most of all, God was (and is) with your baby always.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious are your thoughts concerning me, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
When You Got Your Big Fat Positive (BFP)
The moment your pregnancy was confirmed, God was there. He was rejoicing with you as you rejoiced and comforting you in your fear. He took great delight in both you and His new creation, calling you both “very good” and singing over you with jubilee.
So God created mankind in his own image,
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them…
God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.
The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.
When You Were Worried Something Was Wrong
When your pregnancy symptoms came to a halt, when blood appeared in your underwear, or when the doctor was taking too long to find the heartbeat, the Lord cared for you. He was ready to receive your fear and anxiety as He held you through what was to come.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
When You Cried Out to the Lord
As you turned your worries into prayers, the Lord listened. When you asked for a miracle, for healing, for mercy, God was not ignoring you. Though your prayers may not have been answered as you hoped, God heard your heart and held it close to His knowing full well the beauty He would (or will one day) bring from these ashes.
The Lord is far from the wicked,
but he hears the prayer of the righteous.
When Your Miscarriage Was Confirmed
When you received the news that your baby was gone, Jesus wept with you. God knows the pain of losing a child and we can rest assured that as the Creator of life, new life, and eternal life, He hates death even more than we do.
When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. “Where have you laid him?” he asked.
“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.
Jesus wept.
Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”
When Your Heart Is Filled With Sorrow
Each time another tumultuous wave of grief crashes over you, God meets you with comfort. Though our mourning is not what makes us blessed, the nearness of God when we do is our blessing. Though we may not always feel God’s comfort, He offers it freely through the Holy Spirit, His Word, and His Church as He draws near to our broken hearts and crushed spirits.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
When You Are Mad At God
Whether we mean to or not, sometimes our suffering leads us to direct our anger at God. The good news is, Jesus isn’t threatened. His patience is long-suffering. Nothing can separate us from His love. Like a good Father, God never leaves us nor forsakes us and He stands with arms wide open to welcome us back when we push Him away.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
When You Are At A Loss For Words
When you want to draw close to God, but don’t even know what to pray or how to talk to Him anymore, the Holy Spirit helps us. We are intimately known by the Holy Spirit and He Himself intercedes on our behalf when we don’t know how.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
When Your Faith Seems Small
The times you feel as though you are hanging by a thread, God readily accepts your mustard seed faith as He reminds you of the Source of your strength.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
When You Question Your Faith
When you are overwhelmed with grief and begin to wrestle with questions you never thought you would, the Lord remains faithful. Our wrestling and doubts cannot and will not change who God is or His great love for us. God invites us to bring our struggles to Him rather than the world. The Holy Spirit and the Word of God will always guide you to Truth.
If we are faithless,
he remains faithful,
for he cannot disown himself.
When You Take It Out On God
While anger in and of itself is not a sin, we can sin in our anger (Eph. 4:26). As Christians, when we sin against God in our frustration toward Him, God is kind. His kindness is undeserved, and when we can humbly see that, that kindness—not condemnation—has the power to lead us to true repentance.
Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?
I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.” So he got up and went to his father.
But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
The son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.”
But the father said to his servants, “Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.” So they began to celebrate.
When You Want to Go Back to the Way Things Were
When there is a part of you that wants to go back to your old self, before you were broken and grieved, God makes you new. You are not the same, nor will you be. But God offers more of Himself, shaping and molding you into more of who He created you to be than you ever realized.
But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
When You Are Hurt By An Insensitive Comment
Miscarriage is confusing for those who have never experienced it and those who have. Even other women who have been through it may have had a different experience and don’t have the right words for your specific story. Sometimes words come out the wrong way, sometimes others don’t know about your loss, or sometimes people just don’t understand the unique pain pregnancy loss brings. In those moments, God sees you and knows you fully even when others don’t. He gently leads you to extend grace and offer forgiveness, not to justify hurtful words, but to release further hurt on your own heart as you forgive others just as God has forgiven you.
We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
When You Struggle With Jealousy
When you struggle with the pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, baby shower invites, Mother’s Day posts, and birth announcements that seem to be everywhere, God shows you grace. His Holy Spirit leads you to trusted women you can vulnerably open up to and in turn He leads women to be vulnerable with you. And in this chasm, we learn—with much grace—how to love others in their story as they love us in ours.
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
When You Feel Alone In Your Suffering
In those moments when no one seems to have the right words, no one seems to understand, and everyone seems to have forgotten you’re still grieving, God is with you. He does not leave you as an orphan, but comes to you as our loving Father.
And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.
When You Are Ready to Heal
When the initial mourning subsides and the tears don’t fall quite as heavy every day as you settle into grief, God heals you. He binds up your wounds as He satisfies you with Himself.
He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
For he satisfies the longing soul,
and the hungry soul he fills with good things.
When You Seek Purpose In Your Pain
When your heart breaks for other women walking the same road of loss and you want to honor the short life your baby by living fully yourself, God empowers you to comfort others with the same comfort He gave you. There are few things that bring deeper purpose to our pain than using what the enemy meant for evil and turning it into something good.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
When You Want to Try Again
Though another baby does not replace the one you lost, the desire to continue to grow your family may remain. And when it does, God gives you courage.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
When You Don’t Know What Step to Take
When you want to grow your family, but you question the best way to do so for your heart, body, and family, God guides you in grace and wisdom. Whether you consider trying again naturally, seeing a holistic doctor or a reproductive immunologist, trying fertility treatments, or filling out an application for foster parenting or adoption, God gives wisdom to all who ask.
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
When You Are Afraid to Trust God Again
When you are eager to have another child but find it hard to trust God again, He refines and strengthens you. The Holy Spirit reminds you of who God is and all the good He has done in your life, the lives of others, and throughout the Bible. He helps you to lean on what you know rather than what you see as you learn in a new way how to walk by faith and not by sight.
Remember the wonders he has done,
his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight.
When You Wonder If The Pain Will Ever End
When your grief feels unending, God fills you with hope. Though for a little while, we endure all kinds of trials, God promises to wipe away every tear and make everything right for eternity.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death” or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
“See, I will create
new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered,
nor will they come to mind.
But be glad and rejoice forever
in what I will create,
for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight
and its people a joy.
I will rejoice over Jerusalem
and take delight in my people;
the sound of weeping and of crying
will be heard in it no more.
“Never again will there be in it
an infant who lives but a few days,
or an old man who does not live out his years;
the one who dies at a hundred
will be thought a mere child;
the one who fails to reach a hundred
will be considered accursed.
They will build houses and dwell in them;
they will plant vineyards and eat their fruit.
No longer will they build houses and others live in them,
or plant and others eat.
For as the days of a tree,
so will be the days of my people;
my chosen ones will long enjoy
the work of their hands.
They will not labor in vain,
nor will they bear children doomed to misfortune;
for they will be a people blessed by the Lord,
they and their descendants with them.
Before they call I will answer;
while they are still speaking I will hear.
The wolf and the lamb will feed together,
and the lion will eat straw like the ox,
and dust will be the serpent’s food.
They will neither harm nor destroy
on all my holy mountain,”
says the Lord.
While this list is by no means exhaustive and there may be specific instances in your own story not represented here, my hope is this at the very least helps lay a foundation of understanding God’s role in your miscarriage story or that of someone you care about.
Though these Truths may not always feel true in our suffering, the Lord is with us and for us. And as mentioned at the beginning of this post, understanding that for myself in the fire came with much grace and discipline. I had to work at it, push myself to keep coming back to God when I didn’t want to, and as hard as it was, I’ve found it to be the most worthwhile way to find healing in the midst of my grief.
Linking Arms Through Loss
If you have had or are currently experiencing a miscarriage, please accept my deepest condolences. My heart is with you, sister. I write this miscarriage series from a place of deep grief, still working through much of my own healing, but seeking to link arms with those who can relate.
For some, finding other women who have experienced pregnancy loss within their community is easy to come by, but others may have a difficult time finding anyone who can share their pain. Wherever you find yourself, you are welcome here. This is the club no one wants to join, but as much as none of us want to be here, suffering alone is so much harder than suffering together.
Please reach out should you ever need support.
IN HIS LOVE, DANIELLE
Additional Resources:
Gospel Hope in Pregnancy and Infant Loss (Bible Study/Devotional) by The Daily Grace Co.
Grieving the Child I Never Knew (Devotional) by Kathe Wunnenberg
A Theology of Miscarriage (Blog Post) by Anna Kettle
Grace Like Scarlett (Book) by Adriel Booker
Loved Baby: Christian Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss Support for Women (Facebook Group)
