A Call to Grieve Differently

The day after my second miscarriage ended, I was on a plane to California for my Dad's memorial.

I was comforted to see over a hundred people gathered to honor and remember my father's life, yet pained to consider how few were grieving the loss of my child.

While I'm not blaming or trying to take away from the love poured out for my Dad, at the same time, my eyes were opened to the stark contrast between the way our world grieves the born and the unborn and how it impacted even my response to pregnancy loss in my decision to remain quiet after it happened.

In this post, we’ll look to Scripture as we compare the heart of the Father with cultural norms and receive the challenge to go against the grain of society and respond to pregnancy loss God’s way.

A Biblical Response to Pregnancy Loss

There are a wide variety of responses to pregnancy loss, but not all of them align with the Word of God. But what does the Bible say about pregnancy loss anyway? Unfortunately, not much.

Any reference to miscarriage in the Bible is found in the Old Testament within the context of blessings and curses, like in Exodus 23:25-26 and Hosea 9:14. But because of Jesus, those who are in Christ no longer stand condemned.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. — Romans 8:1

So, how are we to know what response to pregnancy loss is truly biblical without any kind of explicit framework to go off? To know this, we must look at the bigger picture as we seek to understand God’s heart for the unborn, recognize the enemy’s schemes, and grieve differently.

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Understand God’s Heart for the Unborn

To respond biblically to pregnancy loss, it’s important to first understand God’s heart for unborn babies. While the Bible does not provide us with explicit examples of miscarriage, it is clear where the Author of Life stands on matters of life in the womb.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
How precious are your thoughts concerning me, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

— Psalm 139:13-18

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
and before you were born I consecrated you;
I appointed you a prophet to the nations.

— Jeremiah 1:5

The Lord is our Creator. He does not create haphazardly or by mistake but with great intention and care. This is consistent with the character of Jesus who cares deeply for all. As we consider David’s beautiful psalm, we see that intention and care begin not at birth but in the mother’s womb, from the point of creation/conception.

Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast. From birth I was cast on you; from my mother’s womb you have been my God. — Psalm 22:9-10

… he [John the Baptist] will be filled with the Holy Spirit even before he is born. — Luke 1:15b, annotation mine

God is with the unborn. He dwells among them and is their God from their mother’s womb. He regards life in the womb as His.

“When men strive together and hit a pregnant woman, so that her children come out, but there is no harm, the one who hit her shall surely be fined, as the woman's husband shall impose on him, and he shall pay as the judges determine. But if there is harm, then you shall pay life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe. — Exodus 21:22-25

The Lord considers each unborn baby as life without regard to how far along the mother is. And that life is one worthy of His love just as any other.

These passages are important to understanding God’s heart for unborn babies and, in turn, to understanding our response when the life of an unborn baby is lost.

For more on God’s heart in pregnancy loss, check out my posts If God, Why Miscarriage? and Where Was God When I Miscarried?

Recognize the Enemy’s Schemes

But the world tries to muddy our understanding of life in the womb. Medical terminology, pro-abortion policies, “mommy wine culture,” and other examples clearly point to the value our world places on children in or out of the womb.

Although infants, children, adolescents, and adults are considered human at each of their respective developmental stages, unborn babies are not even regarded as human until they reach a developmental stage that is subjectively acceptable to the world. They are regarded as “chemicals,” “clumps of cells,” “tissue,” or “fetal poles” rather than the fearfully and wonderfully made humans the Almighty God took great intention and care to make in His image.

But to say the issue lies only within secular society is short-sighted at best. Whether we see it or not, the world’s perspective on unborn babies has negatively impacted many Christians’ support for couples who suffer pregnancy loss.

We see this in the cultural pressure to wait until the second trimester to announce pregnancies, the lack of substantial time off offered after a woman experiences pregnancy loss, and in many well-intentioned but hurtful comments, like those starting with, “Well, at least…”

“Well, at least you weren’t very far along.”

“Well, at least you have another child.”

“Well, at least you know you can get pregnant.”

The enemy is conditioning the world to downplay the significance of life in the womb and expect miscarriage grief to be quick and quiet. But, as Christians, we must consider the ramifications of such conditioning.

For one, if women are expected to grieve the loss of their child alone, we are not only telling them to suffer in silence but that their grief—and therefore their child—isn’t significant enough for us to empathize with.

Further, we must consider the message we are sending to the children of today when life after pregnancy loss is expected to go on without a care, a pause, or even a tear. When we are influenced by the subtle schemes to degrade life in the womb, we indirectly tell others that if it were them who were lost to miscarriage, nothing would have changed.

Grieve Differently

But what good is it if we have an understanding of God’s heart for the unborn and a recognition of the enemy’s schemes if nothing changes? If we are to have a biblical response to pregnancy loss and sufficiently support couples who have suffered through it, we must accept God’s call to grieve differently.

We are to grieve differently from a world that says unborn babies and pregnancy loss don’t matter. We are called to biblical lament not only for the loss of babies to miscarriage and stillbirth but also for our world that continues on without them like nothing happened.

We are called to grieve and we were made to do it in community.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. — Romans 12:15

But mourning together requires inviting others into vulnerability, speaking openly and honestly about pregnancy loss as we would about any other. Mourning together means mourning even if we are in a season of rejoicing or can’t relate. Mourning together requires dropping all worldly expectations for bereaved parents to grieve quickly and quietly as though they didn’t just lose a child. And mourning together requires taking off cultural blinders and accepting the conviction to change our response to pregnancy loss.

When we are willing to do this, to accept God’s call to grieve differently and deeply for the loss of unborn babies and care for their parents, we offer a way to both love those suffering and speak Truth to the world.

Are you willing to grieve differently?