How to Support Someone Through Pregnancy Loss
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“I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?”
It’s taken months since my second miscarriage for me to be able to put words to how I would answer that question. When it’s fresh, a sense of shell shock and overwhelm make such open-ended questions difficult to answer. When you’re going through it, things like delegation and knowing your needs off the top of your head are hard to articulate. But now that I’ve had time to step back and consider what was helpful as I was miscarrying or what would be helpful as I grieve, I think I’ve found my reply.
While there is really nothing anyone can do to take away the pain of losing a child, there are ways to support bereaved parents in their pain. And that’s what I’m sharing today. I pray these things help you support the people in your life through pregnancy loss in a way that both honors God and meets their needs.
7 Ways to Support Bereaved Parents
After my first miscarriage, I made a list of the women I knew who had suffered pregnancy loss. The list totaled over 30 (and those were just the ones I knew of). It’s far more common than most people think. But even with so much acquaintance with the topic of pregnancy loss, it wasn’t until I lost a baby of my own that I really understood what it was like.
In retrospect, I can’t confidently say I had a clue as to how to support those 30 women through their own losses, but now that I’ve been through it myself, I really believe you don’t have to experience miscarriage to be able to support someone through it well. You just need some guidance.
After some reflection and research, here are the top seven things I and others who have lost babies to pregnancy loss have found to be the most helpful.
1. Be Present
One great way to support grieving parents is through the ministry of presence. Just as God did not just love us from afar but sent His Son to be our Immanuel—God with us—we too can love others by entering their grief and being with them.
You can show up at their home (with permission & notice), the hospital, the memorial/funeral (if there is one), or when they need prayer or someone to talk to. Simply being there is a great display of the hands and feet of Jesus to those in need.
2. Be Mindful of Your Words
Bereaved parents are already hurting, and sometimes even well-meaning comments can be received like salt in a wound. In light of this, consider your words carefully and how they might be received by someone who has lost a child.
Oftentimes, we may try to minimize pain, because more than anything, we don’t want the people we care about to hurt. This typically comes through in most comments beginning with, “At least…” However, minimizing pain is not the equivalent of healing. Grieving or experiencing pain from loss are not bad things to be avoided, but important processes to walk through.
Bereaved parents are going to hurt with or without our words. They lost a child. Our goal should not be to minimize their pain but to comfort them in the midst of it. If we are going to support families through loss, we need to get comfortable with pain and step into it with them without trying to downplay their loss or exacerbate their existing hurt.
In ancient customs, it was considered bad taste to speak before the individual in mourning. We see this custom observed in Job’s three friends who sat in silence for seven days and seven nights before Job finally spoke (Job 2:13).
As you show up for those grieving pregnancy or infant loss, consider putting this tradition into practice, giving them the space and time they need to speak before offering words of comfort or encouragement. Doing so not only shows respect for those who are grieving but also gives clues as to what they are currently processing and how you can best support them.
If they share sensitive or private information, do not betray their trust by gossiping about it to others, even in the form of “prayer requests” without their permission. If gossip is a recurrent struggle of yours, be self-aware and humbly offer support in the form of acts of service or gifts.
3. Pray Over Grieving Parents
Grief is lonely. It lingers beyond the point most people can remember you are still grieving. It’s kind when people say things like, “I’m praying for you,” but what I’ve found to be a far greater comfort in my own grieving is actually hearing (or reading) those prayers.
If you have the chance to see your friend or loved one in person, pray over them aloud. If not, consider sending it in a message. Don’t be worried about how it sounds or if your prayer is “good enough.” God isn’t grading you and the mere fact that your grieving friend can actually hear/read how others are praying for them can be a comfort to their hurting heart.
4. Say The Baby’s Name
Some parents may choose to name the child they lost. A beautiful way to join them in both honoring and dignifying their child is to say their name rather than “the baby,” “him or her,” or “it.” This shows that you, too, remember and value the child they lost and are not uncomfortable by their grief.
For a while, when I spoke about my babies I lost to miscarriage, Ira and Lenny, I felt like I was talking about imaginary friends because I was the only one ever talking about them or using their names. Hearing someone else call them by their names affirmed my children were real, even if we never got to know them.
5. Remember Important Dates
I read a woman’s miscarriage story that shared about a friend who asked when her child’s due date would have been and her actual birthday (the day she left her mother’s womb) and marked them in her calendar so she could remember to pray for the parents on those days.
This may seem small, but I can assure you it’s not. People often forget about the lives they never saw or knew, but by noting important dates along with grieving parents, you present a way to remember and stand with them on the extra hard days.
6. Offer Practical Support
Practical support looks like acts of service that may relieve some of the burdens and responsibilities of everyday life. Some ideas include:
Watch any other children they may have so the parents can attend appointments or have a break
Drive the mother to her appointments or the hospital if the father is unable
Do their grocery shopping (or grab their pickup order)
Prepare a meal
Clean their house
I will say that I don’t know what I would have done had someone not watched my son or driven me to my appointments when I miscarried either time. That was huge. Most people don’t know this, but having someone attend appointments with the mother is not only for emotional support but for safety.
This doesn’t always happen, but a miscarriage can become dangerous very suddenly if the mother hemorrhages. For that reason alone, it is important that the mother is never totally alone or alone with a child while she miscarries.
I never thought it would happen to me until it happened to me. If you are supporting someone through pregnancy loss, it’s best to make sure the mother has the appropriate support, especially while the miscarriage is still underway.
7. Give Meaningful Gifts
Gifts can be a nice, tangible way to support a loved one through pregnancy loss whether you are near or far. Here are some helpful ideas:
Gospel-Centered Gifts
Links to the following posts:
Gospel Hope in Pregnancy and Infant Loss by The Daily Grace Co.
Grace Like Scarlett by Adriel Booker
Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop
Momentos
Necklace with the baby’s birth flower or initials — maybe ask in advance if the mother would prefer the month of the due date or when they actually lost the baby; everyone is different on this. (Made by Mary also has great options).
Memory box or shadow box for any special keepsakes (positive pregnancy tests, sonograms, onsies, etc.)
Practical Gifts
Calm magnesium supplement (to help anxiety)
Macaharmony (natural supplement to help with mood swings and balancing hormones)
Red raspberry leaf tea (to promote healthy contractions so the body can pass everything)
Lavender oil (for back pain and cramps) + ibuprofen if the lavender isn’t enough
Doordash gift card
While we may not be able to take away the pain of bereaved parents, showing up in their grief in these simple ways can be a great way to live out the Gospel and show them they are loved and not alone. As you seek to support the people in your life who have suffered pregnancy loss, I pray that you would follow the lead of the Holy Spirit and effectively communicate God’s love to those you minister to. Thank you for your heart to love on grieving parents.
