5 Invaluable Lessons From Battling Infertility
1,116. That’s how many days my husband and I waited to get pregnant with our first.
While I would love to tell you that my three-year wait was graceful and unwavering, if I’m honest, it was filled with a good bit of wrestling and raw emotion.
But it was in that wrestling with the Lord that I learned the invaluable lessons that are central to the steadfast faith I now hold.
As hard as those years were, I am grateful, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. And while you might be thinking, “That’s easy to say now that you are ‘on the other side,’” the truth is, I got to a place of gratitude even IN my waiting.
And I believe you can, too.
That’s why I’m sharing five lessons I learned while waiting to get pregnant. They may not be the exact same lessons the Lord is working in your heart, but I do hope they can offer some encouragement to those who wait.
1. Wrestle With Reverence
At one point in my waiting, I remember unloading on God. I had always been told, “It’s okay to be upset with God. He can handle it.” So I laid it on thick.
But something didn’t feel right. I was deeply convicted. I believed God could handle my frustration, but even I knew in all my suffering He wasn’t worthy of it.
I needed to repent.
When I think about those who wrestled with the Lord, my mind immediately goes to Jacob and Job.
Jacob literally got in a physical wrestling match with the Lord (Gen. 32:22-24)
And Job demanded God give him a fair trial (Job 29-31)
But do you know what happened to each of them?
Jacob’s hip was displaced (Gen. 32:25-32)
And Job was taken on a figurative tour of God’s creation to show him how little he actually knew (Job 38-41)
God wasn’t punishing these men for wrestling with Him; He was teaching them to wrestle with reverence.
God invites us to wrestle with Him. He named His own people Israel (after Jacob’s wrestling match in Genesis 32:27-28) which means “struggles with God.” Wrestling reminds us of our need for God, not to mention it is better to bring our hard questions to the Lord than to the world.
Wrestling in and of itself is not the problem, but the lack of respect for God is—even when our suffering is great.
While we may be tempted to justify ourselves at God’s expense, it is important to balance our hard questions with humility and reverence for the Lord. He is with you. He is for you. Even when it doesn’t look or feel that way.
It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to be deeply grieved by your circumstances. It’s okay to be frustrated by the wait. But even in our wrestling, we must cling to Truth and choose reverence, remembering that it is God who knows all, sees all, and is sovereign over all.
If you’ve already had plenty of “laying-it-on-thick-moments,” know there is grace for the repentant heart. God isn’t holding it over you, but inviting you back into His open arms of grace.
2. The Real You Trusts God
In a world that encourages us to “feel all the feels” and “be real,” it can be easy during hardship or heartbreak to deceive ourselves into thinking we are somehow being more “genuine” or “honest” when we let our doubts run wild.
But then I think about Eve in the Garden talking to the serpent in Genesis 3:1-3. The serpent asked Eve if God really said not to eat from any tree in the garden, and Eve responded with what God had said.
Before Eve took a bite of the fruit, before sin entered the world, Eve’s default response to the enemy was to relay God’s words. She spoke Truth. She trusted God.
And just like Eve, God actually created us to trust Him… but sometimes we choose not to.
But the real you—the one God created you to be—trusts God. The real you loves God. The real you obeys God. You have never been more you than when you put your full faith in God.
Instead of letting our doubts run wild, it’s important we challenge them like the father in Mark 9.
“…But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.”
And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.”
Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” — Mark 9:22-24
The father humbly admitted his doubt, but he didn’t enable it. Instead, he asked Jesus to help him in his unbelief.
The point isn’t to shame anyone wrestling with doubt, but to remind us that we are not any more “real” when we do.
When doubts creep in, take your thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). Remember who God made you to be and ask the Father to help you in your unbelief. He is ready and willing.
3. The Enemy’s Tactics Haven’t Changed
Six months before my husband and I officially began “trying” to get pregnant, the Lord promised me a son. But you could probably imagine my confusion when that promise wasn’t immediately fulfilled.
Doubt crept in and I found myself wrestling with questions like, “Did I hear God right?” or “Did God really say I’d have a son?”
And it was that question right there that made me realize the enemy has no new tricks. I was asking the same question the serpent deceived Eve with in the Garden (Gen. 3:1).
Did God really say…?
Even if you haven’t received a promise from God, the enemy will try the same tactics on you—to get you to question what God has said either directly to you or in His Word.
Did God really say I’d have a child? Does God’s Word really say He is loving? Do I really know that God is with me and for me?
Don’t be surprised by deceit. Go to the Word. Remind yourself what God really says. Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom to understand it in its context and not just to fit your agenda or agree with your doubt.
We are far less likely to fall into the enemy’s traps when we abide in Christ (John 15:1-17), walk in the Spirit (Gal. 5:13-26), and meditate on the Word day and night (Josh. 1:8).
4. We Can Only Control Our Response
I must have seen it a thousand times in our wait to get pregnant. Post after post from women on the internet sharing about the sting of the ever-popular question, “When are you going to have kids?”
Often, these posts would explain why that question is hard for some women and offer some phrases to say instead. It went something like:
“Stop saying X, say Y instead.”
And for a while, I quietly double-tapped in agreement with these words I related to so deeply. That is, until the day the Holy Spirit stopped me and asked a question that stung far more…
“Is it the question that hurts or the answer?”
I realized then and there how much time I wasted mentally trying to control what other people said to me in that season. How much bitterness was building in my heart toward well-meaning people who just didn’t know or understand my story. How much I was trying to contend with those who had offended me when the One I really needed to contend with was God.
It’s a lot to ask someone to only speak your personally pre-approved talking points when—if we consider the fact that everyone is going through something under the surface that we may not be able to relate to—we’ve likely said something that’s not on their pre-approved list (Jas. 3:2).
But if we all go around with our “Don’t say X, say Y” statements, we probably wouldn’t be able to hold a conversation with anyone. It would be like constantly walking on eggshells.
Rather than worrying about what other people say to you in your waiting, remember that you cannot control what anyone does or does not say. We can only control how we respond.
And as women of Christ, I pray that we would respond in a way that communicates the same grace God has given us.
5. Don’t Give In To The Scarcity Mindset
I still remember the day a friend of mine announced the birth of her son. They named him Levi. It was the same name I had been clinging to in hopes of naming our firstborn son someday.
And this strange sadness fell upon me as I thought, “Everyone is going to start naming their baby Levi and then it’s not going to be special anymore.”
And that’s exactly what the scarcity mindset does. It convinces us that there’s not enough to go around.
If “everyone else” is having babies, I won’t get one. If someone else uses the name I love, it won’t be special anymore. If other people’s prayers are being answered, mine never will.
But praise Jesus we do not serve a god of scarcity but the God of abundance (John 10:10).
And there is plenty to go around.
God is the Giver of life and every good and perfect gift is from above (Jas. 1:17).
It is the Lord’s to bless and He does so according to His good will and His perfect timing.
I can’t say exactly how or when the Lord will bless you, but I can say that someone else’s blessing is no indication of your lack.
God has good and perfect blessings in store for you (Psa. 31:19). Put your hope in the Giver of good gifts and turn your back on the scarcity mindset while you can.
God does not waste our suffering. And while this waiting season may not necessarily be to teach you something, there is always something to learn in adversity when we lean into God.
Lord,
I pray for my sister waiting for a child. I pray that in her pain she would turn to you. May she wrestle with reverence, know who You created her to be, be confident in what You have said, be filled with the same grace you have given her, and hope in the abundant blessings you have in store for her. Your Kingdom come; Your will be done.
In Jesus’ Name, amen.
