Grief’s Gift
I quietly picked an aisle seat on my early morning flight back home. The previous two days were a whirlwind, to say the least. I talked the entire way on both my flights to California, one sharing the Gospel and the other receiving some much-needed counseling from a total stranger. The day and a half that followed was filled with food prep, writing a eulogy, and attending the very emotional funeral of my grandmother. So it’s safe to say that when it came time to fly back home, I wanted nothing more than a quiet trip to process the last 48 hours, but really to process the last year.
Because it was still early, the flight was quiet the whole way. Taking advantage of the stillness, I pulled out my phone, opened my Notes app, and began to write. As I did, the words poured out of me. It didn’t take long before I realized the Holy Spirit had taken over. I wasn’t really sure where I was going with it, but as I kept typing, the words kept coming.
What began as a factual account of the losses I and my family have faced this year turned into an encouraging reminder that pain is never wasted, that God does indeed work all things together for good, that our loved ones live on in us long after they’re gone, and that good things can come from something as horrible as death and we know this best from none other than Jesus Christ.
When I first wrote this, I thought it was just for me, but over and over I couldn’t shake the feeling that someone else needs to read this, too. So this is my 2023 testimony. This is grief’s gift.
I pray this word encourages you as much as it has me.
This past year has been the year of goodbyes…
On November 13, 2022, we lost our precious baby, Ira Ray.
On January 11, 2023, we lost my beloved Dad, Steven Ray.
On May 14, 2023, we lost my uncle, Donald Lee.
On July 19, 2023, we lost another precious baby, Lenny Ray.
On October 15, 2023, we lost my sweet Nanie, (Nora) Jean.
And on December 10, 2023, we lost my loving Grandpa, Derold Dean.
I’ve been through some hard things in my life, but this year takes the cake. I had never lost anyone quite so close to me and this year I literally lost a handful.
I’ve never had more questions about heaven until now. I’ve never had what I believe about salvation challenged so much until now. I’ve never shared the Gospel so boldly and so openly and so courageously and so unashamedly… until now.
And as a kind sister in Christ reminded me…
That is the gift these loved ones have given me.
I started this blog after I lost Ira as a way to share the Gospel more intentionally because his death reminded me there is no time to waste. I gathered the entire waiting room and prayed boldly aloud over my Dad when he was in the hospital. I wrote a whole series of posts about God’s goodness in the face of pregnancy loss after I lost baby Lenny. I shared the Gospel with a man on the flight on my way to my Nanie’s funeral and proclaimed the hope we have in Jesus in my eulogy at her service. And I’m sharing this post after recently losing my Grandpa as a testament that Christ is worth everything, even in the face of affliction.
I’ve had people message me from out of the woodwork in response to my posts that I’ve been able to comfort and pray over in messages and FaceTime. I’ve been making friends with people everywhere: online, the park, the library, the grocery store. I’ve had the chance to share my faith and bless a single mom and refugee. And most of all, I intentionally disciple my son, Levi, day in and day out, teaching him how to pray and love the Word and walk by the Spirit and repent and serve and love your spouse.
God is so, so good and His opportunities are endless.
A family member recently asked me, “You’re someone who seizes any opportunity to share the Gospel, aren’t you?”
And more than anything, that’s what I want.
After all this death, it’s natural to think about your own—what you want at your funeral, how you want to be remembered. I want to be remembered as a woman of faith. A woman who seized every opportunity to share the Gospel. Who reflected Jesus in word and deed.
Have I done it perfectly? Of course not. But I was obedient and I spoke the Truth. I have faith that seeds were planted and watered and there will be a harvest someday because of Jesus, not me (1 Cor. 3:5-11). I just did my part. I put my heart in it, not out of obligation, but because I was compelled by the love of Christ (2 Cor. 5:14).
I can’t contain myself. I won’t contain myself.
I don’t want my family to question my eternity when my time comes because I keep my lamp burning (Luke 12:35-40). I’m not waiting for heaven, I’m bringing it to earth (Matt. 10:7). And I don’t just do it with words and speech but in action and Truth (1 John 3:18).
I’m not here to toot my own horn. I’m not making self-righteous claims.
I am nothing apart from Christ (John 15:5).
I don’t gain heaven by my works, but by His good work on the cross and in the empty tomb and my faith in Him. Everything I’m doing is just evidence of that faith (Jas. 2:14-26). It’s all because of Jesus. It’s no longer I who live, but Christ who lives within me (Gal. 2:20). He meets me in my brokenness and His grace allows me to do the same for others (2 Cor. 1:3-4).
I used to think there were seasons of giving and receiving. That when times were good, that was our time to pour into others and when we were in the pit of despair, that was our time to receive what others have to pour into us.
I don’t see it that way anymore.
God isn’t waiting for me to be done grieving to be a ray of light in someone’s darkness. Instead, God speaks out of darkness (Matt. 10:27).
I’m still grieving. I’m still hurting. I’m still broken and shattered and sometimes depressed by these losses. And while God and His Church are most certainly pouring comfort and love and strength into me right now, I’m finding that all the way down here at rock bottom, I still have something to give others.
God keeps His treasure (the Gospel) in jars of clay (fragile, broken people) because it’s through the cracks of our brokenness that the Light inside us can shine through (2 Cor. 4:7-12).
What the enemy meant for evil, God has and is turning for good (Gen. 50:20). What he thought would shut me up only made me louder. What he thought would silence me only gave me a microphone (Acts 18:9).
Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed (Lam. 3:22).
We always hear people say this when they’ve lost someone, but it’s true: Life is short. What we suffer here on earth is but a blink in light of eternity (2 Cor. 4:17-18). This is the short part, the hard part. But take heart, Christ has overcome the world (John 16:33).
Don’t let this world shut you up. We may be broken, but we who walk by faith in Christ Jesus are not doomed (2 Cor. 4:8-9).
So keep your lamp burning, folks (Luke 12:35-40). This world needs you and it needs Jesus. We all do. You are so incredibly, miraculously loved by the Creator of the universe. You. Among billions of galaxies and billions of people in all creation, God loves you and gave His own Son for you (Psalm 8).
You mean Jesus to God… And that alone is something to shout from the rooftops.
So renounce all other gods. Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. The only way to the Father is through Him (John 14:6). Yes, I’m sure. I’ve been around the world. I’ve seen the other gods worshipped in this world. They’re not it.
The god of money isn’t it. The god of sex and relationships isn’t it. The god of status and fame isn’t it. The god of politics isn’t it. The god of busyness and productivity isn’t it. The god of drunkenness and substances isn’t it. The god of self isn’t it. New age ideologies aren’t it. Living your truth isn’t it. Atheism isn’t it. Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, Mormonism, Jehovah’s Witness, Scientology, etc. aren’t it. They don’t fulfill you or speak Truth or love you back and they certainly didn’t love you first.
Repent. It’s more than saying sorry. It’s making a change in faith that, in His great love, God has something better for you (Rom. 2:4). Don’t live as the world lives. We are not of this world (John 15:19).
Love God and keep His commands (John 14:15). They’re one and the same (1 John 5:1-4). This can only be done by faith and the Holy Spirit. You cannot say you love God and ignore His commands, nor can you keep His commands without loving God. We can’t do it on our own and He doesn’t expect us to. Abide in Him and you will bear fruit (John 15:5).
Don’t believe the lie that God’s commands are irrelevant or a set of limiting rules. The world has it backward. Sin limits us. God is love and like a good father who sets boundaries for his home with the best and the protection of his family in mind, God’s commands are for our best and freedom from the limits of sin (1 John 5:1-4).
And love others. We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). Live loved and throw it around like confetti. Comfort others with the comfort you yourself receive from God (2 Cor. 1:3-4). Help the poor and lowly and widows and orphans and children of this world (Matt. 25:40). Share your story unashamedly because, in Christ, you are a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17).
And whatever you do, do it all in love and the name of Jesus (1 Cor. 16:14).
If I can have such hope amidst my grief after all these losses, then I believe you can, too. There is hope for you yet, but it won’t be found in the turning of a new year but in Jesus Himself.
